The Observer- Episode 2

When I had a drug called love

2001 was the year when my life really begun. Shortly after finding courage, which thought I never had, I found love; a kind of crazy love that I thought only exists in the silver screen of Indian love stories. It happened quite unspectacularly on an early morning in 2001 when I saw her in my class. The attraction was fuelled further thanks to few of my friends who somehow thought linking me and she would be a great idea. I was told she was my age and speaks my mother tongue, probably the most desperate lies a classmate could ever tell to hook you up with a girl. I never bought into those lies, but I found it pleasant to believe it, that is when I realized that I want this girl who is hovering around my class.

She was everything that I wasn’t. She was a probing nuisance who jumps around in class, while I was just that normal boy who goes about his business silently in class. Once I heard that opposites attract, probably it is true in my case. But I stayed silent for the rest of the year- amazed by the fact that a song that was written and composed some five years prior to that and has become one of the most famous Indian songs of all time spoke true of my feelings for her. I believed in then, that the opportunity will present itself, and I finally believe the trash that Indian cinema has so often repeatedly thrown at its audiences, that we are ‘meant for each other’. I questioned whether it was love or mere attraction at regular intervals; but mere attraction doesn’t last a gruelling five years, which I would find out later. The year presented itself many chances for me to make headways- strike a conversation, strike a friendship, or even create an impression. But I allowed those opportunities to slip by. Suffering a culture shock of sorts with the class environment and being surrounded by a bunch of morons who think they can bully me for some reason, I had to keep my focus on what I thought mattered most- my education.

The year passed by, and I found myself devoid of her presence in my class for the following year. I was more settled, but still I struggled to make headways. Something inside me held me back from approaching her, but that same instinct continued to disturb me at every sight of her. I allowed it to continue. My notion is that there was still time. Soon after, I knew she now has a relationship. For some reason, it was more relief rather than devastation. Probably I was relieved that I would not pressurise myself to approach her anymore and that I could hide myself behind the excuse that she is owned. Was I a coward? That was the question that bugged me at that time. The years passed, and I knew I could never forget her, yet I couldn’t tell her. I felt safe with the distance, I felt safe that only I knew what I had felt for her. The urge and regret never really hit me until 2004. Everybody, literally everybody was beginning to seeing sights of relationships. Relationships have become a more prominent feature of conversations between our friends, replacing the classic teasing, and name-linking, virtual match up acts. Girlfriend is no more a word that offers the luxury of having a girl, but instead it slowly turned into a necessity, a matter of pride. The girlfriend-havers are on a class of their own, while the bachelors will always have to look out for options. That is when I revealed to my closest aides, and revealed them the truth. And I made sure I never mentioned the word ‘I like her’. The only word I said was the one that was well and truly etched in my heart by now- that ‘I love her’. I took promises from them not to make it public, and they just did that. I knew the difference between their hormone rages and my feelings.

My friends were vocal enough to let me know that I’m being a coward by not telling her. But I stood by what I thought was the right thing to do- finish Form 5 without telling her. And I did just that- in spite of numerous ‘threats’ like ‘I will come and tell if you don’t do it yourself’. And the school days came to an end. I never told her for all the five years in which I could have easily told her. For all the time, I marginalized myself, thinking that I’m not good enough for her. The following year, I was found a new self- a person who felt free while talking to girls without any hesitation. Her absence from my life seemed to have given me new confidence and a new freedom. That is when I realized, I was right not to have told her. Not because I wasn’t good enough for her or because she isn’t good enough for me, but simply because she isn’t the ‘right one’ for me. I knew that when I meet the ‘right one’, I will find the guts and urge to tell her, unlike this episode.

(Unfortunately, few years later, a friend who promised me never to tell can’t resist and spilled the beans to her about my interests for her- what a name spoiler, duh!)

The world has very often run discrimination that being in a relationship is the only way you can express your love, and that one-sided love stories are failures. But when I don’t have any regrets of what had happened, how could it possibly be a failed love story? Thanks to those five years in which I was in some kind of trance, I know now what love is all about and I am able to help out each and every friend of mine who has to sort his or her feelings and relationship troubles out.

I am delighted because she made me realize that I, Ram Anand, am able to love so much and so sincerely for five years, that I would not have to struggle like the many out there who are afraid to commit, many out there who talk about love ‘dying’ with time. I knew, in that respect, that I have the ability to love so much not to let it die and I know how I will feel when I meet the ‘right one’ in the future.

She made me know that I have wonderful heart which is able to produce so much love, as they say, Love is God. What more you could ask for when you have God in your heart, and plenty of it? I know somebody’s waiting for me, because my heart and instincts, the same ones that so rightfully pointed out my dreams and my destinies to me, tell me so. And I am glad knowing that I am already on my journey towards my dream, because as Paulo Coelho wrote – ‘True Love never diverts you from your dream, true love will arrive at the right time and help you reach your dream’. And in my journey, at some important juncture, there will be the one waiting for me, waiting to help me reach my dreams and whereas I will help her touch hers.

Some still ask me, why did I love her when we had so little in common in terms of personality and character?

Because one is loved because one is loved, there is no reason to love. Love doesn’t have logic. Love is a miracle in this logic-driven world, a miracle that should never, ever be questioned. And I’m lucky I fell in love so early in my life.

Remain you, Remain who you are,

You are a little pain, you are a little delight,

You ooze charm when you fight or when you please,

I do not want to change you,

Not more, not less,

I want you,

For who you are.

Ram Anand.

2001-2007.