The Dream- From Nobody to Somebody.
I was born on a Deepavali day in 1988. Some people see it as a co-incidence, like my parents do, but I would rather believe that it is more of a miracle, to be born on a festival day, especially when it is a festival which doesn't have a set day to repeat annually. So, my birth on a Deepavali day is just plain random as much as anything. I used to say sarcastically- 'the whole Hindu community the world over celebrated my birth'. I wanted to believe that my birth is a miracle because I wanted to feel special. And today, I feel there is no wrong in looking at a stroke of luck or sheer co-incidence as a miracle or a sign and actually feel special about it. Because we all are special in our own ways, we just have to open up our minds to it.
My parents have convinced me like any other parents- that education is priority. So I was everything my parents wanted me to be while I was young- a straight As student (I leaped standard 3 to standard 5 through PTS), an Indian who speaks almost no Tamil at all (I spoke Malay with all my Indian friends- there were only four of them anyway). I remember I used to do something that not many kids would be encouraged to do. I was given an hour's playing time every evening after school, and since I virtually had no friends to play with, I would just go out of my shop and play an imaginary game with almost no toys. I did have a wild imagination.
By the time I was in secondary school, topics such as 'what is your ambition?' came to the fore. I had some great fascination with the prospect of flying, so I thought I would become a pilot, until I knew how much physical appearance matters to be a pilot. I grew somewhat frustrated after that, and was told being doctor is the better option to wish for. That was probably the first time in my life that I looked back and begun to wonder- why? Whats the use of all being doctors? My cousin brother has been wanting to become a doctor and there are talks of other cousins doing the same (in fact, all three of my uncle's sons became doctors, and I can tell you he was pretty proud about it), so I wondered as to why I have to follow suit. These questions sucked the education aspect out of me, my studies deteriorated wildly, until I settled to a mellow average league of students in a society where 'how many As did you take?' is the only question any elderly people will use as a leverage to valuate a child's potential, growing up, and duh, even evaluate how the parents brought the children up. I was searching for answers as to how I will be able to leave a mark for myself in this world. I started looking at the bigger picture. I want to be special, I want to be somebody, I want to do something I love and something that not every other five out of ten people that you know are trying to do. I never felt like I belonged in the league. I was short in confidence in myself. I was not the best in studies, always next best to someone else, nor was I the most apparent member of any groups I was part of in school. I was just 'a boy'. I was nobody.
It was somewhere during 2003 or 2004 (which I can't exactly recall) when it happened. It was like any other night, I was sitting down and watching a movie (a Tamil one, and a really crap one at that), and I just felt like I had enough. I remember telling my mom- even I can think of way better ideas to make a movie compared to these guys who are making it. Shortly after that, I went to bed, and I had the weirdest, most elegant dream your whole lifetime would ever give you. It was a movie, a full, two-hour long movie that ran like a theater reel in my dream. I woke up with such amazement and can't help but to be stunned by such a complete dream, and I went on a jotted down every idea that thundered through my head. And I told a friend. And the friend loved it. And on that day, I felt special. And I knew I have found my calling card. Writer-Director Ram Anand's journey has begun.
It only takes a moment to change from nobody to somebody.
Today, five years down the road, I look back at these facts with such amazement because these dreams don't come in a much spectacular way. I could have easily ignored the dream and carried on with my life as it was, but I trusted a stack of visuals that roamed my sub-conscious mind and allowed them to become the tool that completely transformed my life thereafter.
There were times a plenty where I questioned my ability to reach what I want to reach. And in 2006, my life changed again. I just finished writing, in addition to my existing long stories- few quotes which I want to set as my life's guides- quotes I created myself. I remember jotting down and even telling it to my friend Alex who was in a relationship dilemma at that time- Don't love someone because of anything. There is no reason, there is no logic. You love someone for who they are, completely- not because of her sexy legs or witty humor or their money in particular. Its the whole person. The connection of the souls.
And then I wrote, in a very simple manner- my description of life- Life is a Journey, Your dream will lead you to your destination, your dream will represent your duties in this world, and help you fulfill your potential as a complete human being and live life to the fullest.
The next day, my classmate Renn started raving about a book called 'The Alchemist', written by a certain Brazillian called Paulo Coelho, and how she read the whole book while travelling on a bus from KL back to Parit Buntar (all the more weird because she is hardly a reader, and especially novels? forget it). So she gave me this book, and I turned to a page in which it was written- One is loved because one is loved, no reason is needed to love.
And as I was about complete a book which was telling a story I could so fondly relate myself, my dreams, and my journeys with, Coelho mentioned it- that life was a journey. And since then, I never questioned my dreams ever again, because the book wasn't just a book, it was a sign sent in at such a benign time when I doubted my faith in my dreams. It was a sign that asked me to keep believing.
I may not have the full answer regarding my destinations and my roles, but its better to follow the signs to discover the meaning of this life and fulfill it rather than living the way the world tells me to live, to linger in normalcy, to live a mechanical life. And that dream of mine has opened my eyes to the miracles that the world has to offer, how life is much, much more beautiful and deep compared to how our own logics and reasonings describe it, how we have the willpower to determine our lives rather than thinking fate has it all set up for us.
I know that if live is a game, then I'm playing it, not watching it from sidelines. If life is a drama, or a play, then I am acting in it, trying to play my role to perfection, rather than just settling for any role and be happy with it. And if life is like a banana, I am holding a ripe banana in my hands and all set to gobble it up without any fear or restrictions. And if life is a journey, I am moving along, searching for my destination, rather than just stop at some point of the journey and think just staying where you are better served and secure. And I know I'm a small child, and as they say, kids are God's children- because children ask questions about life. They ask 'why?'. Adults stop asking that question, and start believing in things the world and their logic presents to them as reality. For that, I'm still a child because I always ask 'why?' and am always learning new things.
A dream, is not just a dream. Its the dream.
Ram Anand.
2003-2008
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